The Late Student

So my poor tutor, Lesley, has my first assignment.

I feel I have written too much and it feels contrived; the course suggests an immediate, natural, unforced approach to writing the pieces. I did a mixture of prose and verse whichever felt natural for what I was seeing and feeling. But I handed the work in late - about one week. Lesley assured me that this was fine but it felt bad. But there are other things that are making me feel uneasy.

I don't feel like someone who is comfortable with poetry; I rarely read it and I feel a bit of a fraud trying to write it. I did write a lot of poetry when I was teenager but these were destroyed in a teenage angst moment and since then I have written very little outside the requirements of the degree coursework. My previous tutor, Nina, thought the course would tighten my editing skills, allow me to prepare for the next course by gaining further descriptive skills etc. I trust her judgement but that doesn't help my confidence.

I have the double whammy (I believe that is the right expression) of waiting for the assessment of my last course to come through and the first judgment from the first assignment for this course. So today - having spent the whole day avoiding doing any work or even reading - I made a decision. I have always believed that making a decision is more than halfway to getting something done purely because that's the threshold; once you cross it your whole being proceeds to the destination - a bit like jumping off a cliff, you might hit a few ledges but you are probably going to the bottom whether you like it or not.

The decision is the reading. "Staying Alive" Edited by Neil Astley contains 500 poems for the course. I want to complete the course work in approximately four months so that means five poems a day to read, think about, re-read and make some notes on. I am hoping that working through the coursework will jump start my writing of poetry and the reading will inform this, allowing me to find my feet. It's a plan. Whether it will work is another matter.

I have never felt so unsure of my direction in any of the other courses I have done. This could play to my strengths and allow me to jump into things with a certain amount of abandon or it could make me flounder about.

What I don't want to happen is for my displacement activity to rear it's ugly head as it has a habit of doing when I don't feel the pull in any direction. I (generously) tell myself when I am cleaning a cupboard or distracting myself with some inconsequential activity that I am "waiting for the right (or should that be write) element to come along before moving on" but I could be kidding myself. I hope I am not kidding myself that I can write poetry and pass this course adding another credit to my degree.

I just have to work through, trust to hard work and the guidance of the tutor. It is a reassurance that Lesley was also a student of the OCA.