Second Assessment....

I always find the observations of my tutors challenging, but then that is what they are supposed to be doing when they read our work and then push our decisions, imagery etc. They make us justify our writing without emotional attachment or favour.If it works how well? If not why not and how could it work?

          It was relief that made me feel so up when I sent in the last assessment; don’t get me wrong I wasn’t happy with what I’d written, because I never am, but I felt that at least I had put together something – at least. I pressed send and felt good. It was done and I would wait for the observations.

          The assessment came back midway through the first manoeuvres with the next chapter and I was feeling the momentum of the work and exploring; feeling like I WAS making headway. I read the assessment and it all came crashing down. It felt like the only movement I had made in the course was not to repeat myself…a basic error which I always make at the beginning of every course and always in the first assignment. This time it was about the sound of the words and although I read aloud what I had written and in my head saw clearly what I was thinking, it did not transfer to the page. I think I make the basic mistake that it is the meaning that holds my attention whereas what this course needs is a dual meaning and sound – soft, hard, repulsive or welcoming. I may be wrong but that is how it translated.

My first reaction was to give up – an extreme. But I have always felt that although this course would add greatly to my repertoire and give me more discipline, I have always feared it.I simply do not think poetry....I recognise great poetry but I recognise great acrobatics but would never launch myself at a vaulting horse!

          For twenty four hours I felt deflated and pushed away the desire to walk away – knowing that it was childish and emotional! Then I re-read the assessment and slid back to my work and the computer screen. I worked through each piece, rereading and thinking about what Lesley had written. I took the plunge and ventured into each piece and did the rewriting. I have now put the pieces (revised) away in a separate file and will return to them when the time feels right.

I am yet to be convinced that I am anything more than a prose (wannabe) writer. However, I think the discipline and hard work would greatly enhance my writing and help in the degree and remaining courses. Should that not be enough? It should be. If I write some poetry that works, or works well then that will be a miracle and a bonus. For now I need to work and put in the hours, thinking and reading and writing.