Highs and Lows and time outs....

So, for brevity's sake, I shall layout the occurrences over the last few months.

Writing for Children Course (Level Two) assessment reached the heady heights of 79% - my first A grade!

Now, while this will not count towards my final grade (it's been used to back-fill my credit requirements at level one, agreed with the OCA when they changed policy half way through the degree pathway) I was blown away with this 10% leap in my grade; (previously I had wavered around 68-69% for all courses).

For forty-eight hours I couldn't work on my current course, couldn't read or in fact concentrate on anything. I was shocked, pleased, elated and scared to death. The latter emotion being my fear that I couldn't repeat this performance on the current course. The assessment notes singled out for praise one story in particular, Tap, Tap, Tap! which is a tale of a girl and happenings on a beach. My aim was to pour magical realism into the works submitted and this was my most vivid piece.

The only criticism was my presentation and a "rare" slip (peak instead of peek) - this plunged a 20% section (my average being 17 out of 20 for each of the separate sections) to 13 out of 20. At the time of reading the assessment as a whole, of course, I glossed over this being inflated about such a high mark for a course I loved working on and having sunk everything I had energy-wise into it. I should also state that I had always wanted to do this course feeling that magical realism works well for me and allows me to let loose with my head and heart to tell a story.

Reeling from this, I brought my feet back down to earth with difficulty and worked on with my third assignment for my Project Course.

I took my eyes off the ball. When I sent the assignment into my Tutor I had not followed my usual habit of printing out the work and moving through it at least twice to pick up errors.

Quite rightly, when the assessment came back this was the element that was focused upon. The problem was that it "knocked me down" emotionally. Now, the comments made by my Tutor were wholly justified and entirely correct; the suggestions were aimed to "narrow the goalposts" and provoke me to lift my game higher. There is always that point in any course where, if you are working to your limits, you teeter on the edge of giving up - the "I can't do this" syndrome. Your flirt with it, it sits in the corner of the room whispering the justification of why you could walk away, stop or throw it all in.

This was the moment in my final course. I felt winded. After the "high" of the Writing for Children Course, I suddenly felt I should start again and the self-doubt washed over me; so much so that I felt instinctively I had to walk away from the Fade.

After nearly two weeks, coinciding with a stay-cation at home, I sent an email to my Tutor. I described being "knocked down" by the assessment and how I felt - in fact, I startled myself at how honest I was about how I felt; something I am not at ease with doing or comfortable with, even at this late stage of the pathway.

Typically, and as muted by my partner, I had taken the assessment too much to heart and the guidance was just that - guidance - not criticism. Nina was trying to make me focus on my shortcomings (presentation and silly punctuation errors) and bring me to the point where I shift gear and raise my game. She also empathized with my getting to grips with the longer piece.

This stepping away from it all can always feel like detaching yourself from your objective, but it isn't really. This is a marathon and there are always hills and flats to negotiate and when you take a breath it can set you up to push on harder with a strength you never knew you had.

I have assessed myself and set a timetable for the next chapter which is to be completely reviewed given Nina's advice. This may have saved the entire piece, as the fourth chapter may have reached a climax of sorts too premature to fit with the course (you always have to have the proximity of the assessment in your mind and to have the greatest impact you can on the reader).

In short, if I hadn't been knocked over, I may not have got up more determined to work on my shortcomings, dig in, look at the whole piece again with fresh eyes and try and knock the reader down with the story I really want to tell.