New Year

It has been three years plus since I put anything here. With the death of my Dad, the obtaining of my degree - a six year struggle - shortly after left me battered and exhausted. All my good intentions fell away and I was left hollow.

Why re-start now?

Because it's time.

2018 was an appalling year for our family, the events of which will be felt throughout our lives.

February -My Nephew at thirty years of age died. His mother, my Sister, proceeded to use his sudden and tragic death to continue the vendetta against her ex husband even using the inquest into her sons death to take a swipe at him and her middle surviving son.

I did not/could not attend his funeral, having foreseen this occurring two or so years before and stating that I would not go. At the time I believed his father and my sister shared equal responsibility for setting him on a path of alcohol and drugs which led to psychosis and an early death. In truth I blamed my ex-brother in law for distancing the family from us and for causing the breakdown in contact which lasted over seven years and broke the relationship between us and my nephews. My ex- brother in law, it was revealed, was not the monster my sister made him out to be and his actions while his son was alive and after his death proved his character. He has conducted himself as a gentleman and a repentant.

On the day of his funeral, I lit a candle in Wells Cathedral with my partner at my side. I am not a religious person but I am spiritual and for that reason a naked flame lit in a spiritual place felt right.  I said goodby to The Boy, as I always called him. His death, senseless and appalling in circumstance will haunt me for the rest of my life and even now I cannot let my thoughts and feeling touch there for fear of collapse.

May - My Uncle suffers a health problem and is taken to my Mums' house to recover. Subsequently, it comes to light that he is suffering from frontal lobe dementia. The tests show that the destruction of the frontal lobes of the brain have occurred because of alcohol and painkillers.

This as well as his prostate cancer which is now into it's seventh year has resulted in a care home. My sister and her partner have stood with him every step of the way, ensuring that he got the diagnosis he needed and the care he required. We have, because of work, tried to support them as much as we can along the way.

What I found was that I started to keep a log. At first this was to help and assist the medical staff to know the traits and strangeness the family were experiencing with my Uncle and his behaviour. It consisted of the physical book started and kept by my Sister and which she handed over to the doctors so they would have the whole family's view of my Uncles deterioration.

I returned to keeping my journal on the PC writing down my observations and feelings. My Sister kept the physical book at her home. After a visit, I would call and describe what he had said or how he had acted - this would be added to the log so the situation could be tracked. My journal expanded a little and it has allowed me to cope with the inevitable path our family is now on with my Uncle.

This sweet, kindly, gentlemanly man who has always been a huge part of our lives is now suffering bouts of delusion and confusion while at the same time prostate cancer has become bone cancer and, according to his physical symptoms, metastasized in his brain. Every now and then we have flashes of the Uncle we know and love which make up for the difficult times. We are with him as much as we can be; keeping him company sometimes just watching a movie with him and sometimes talking him through a television programme because he cannot keep track anymore.

We await the inevitable but try and keep him calm, positive and happy.

The conclusion I have come to is that there never is the right time to resume writing or restart a project. There is only now, a moment when you make time to put things down and capture ideas and feelings.

2018 has been a hellish year for that set measurement of time. But it is not over and our journey continues. Returning to this blog feels right and as the title suggests this is only my chaotic thought.