Preciousness, a final risk and plotting on the edge....

The Fourth Assignment is in. One more chapter of the extended piece to do and in my mind this should be the flowering of the course, the big bang of a firework display.

Following being knocked over by the last assessment I radically re-wrote the fourth chapter. What I thought I would do, now felt like an enormous "information dump". So I discarded half the chapter I had written - well being the way I am I cut it and secreted it away in another document "just in case".

The first half of the chapter is about the main character doing something "out of character" and being caught; this then escalates into a changing of his behavior, a departure. I want to stretch him from being a compliant "boy" into a young man or tetchy-teenager. I want to give him the justification in his own mind for demanding answers...about himself, his history, his place (being the strange environment in which he finds himself) and above all to show his frustration. In the first half he is caught, shamed, confronts and then dismisses the adults continued aloof reaction to his demands.

The narrative from here has been sculpted to fit the third assessment; it predominantly includes the secondary character and interaction between the protagonist and his new friend. This was the main comment about the characters - my Tutor, Nina Milton, wanted more about the character and interaction of Luan. With this in mind I naturally brought in the main theme that is linked with the character and his world which is he is being bullied. This he reveals to the protagonist Adam who, because of his sheltered and controlled upbringing is shocked. In this atmosphere of sharing confidences they return to the magical landscape and while there experience a shocking shared happening....

I needed for there to be a bang to the end of this chapter. It felt like this scene was building up in the storyline and I am hoping that when I get the assignment back my Tutor, Nina Milton, will agree with the timing. "Somethings got to give" is how it felt and I needed to let loose a little (not completely, still holding onto the secrets really quite tightly).

I returned to my process of printing out the chapter and working on it with pen - rather than on the screen where I seem to miss inappropriate punctuation. This felt so good, like returning to a favored place to walk. It allows me to switch activities and concentrate on presentation with, I hope, more effective control.

This third level course has shown me that I am departing from my previous "precious" behavior; in that before I would have fought tooth and nail not to change the plotting or sequence of how I first splurged the story on the page. But now, this seems to have dropped away. I can cut a scene out because it wouldn't happen that way or it can be moved to later in the story.

This is quite a revelation for someone who once, in a previous course, re-wrote a short story thirteen times without changing a single part of the plotting....I may have to revisit that piece and see what occurs now.

My final chapter for the piece is yet to be plotted and is my greatest risk. I KNOW what I want to happen, a small reveal (small in the sense that we get to hear some secrets while more clues are dropped in) but then I also want to wait and find out the reaction to the fourth assignment (and the inevitable re-write that I will undertake before moving on).

So - now I am "plotting on the edge". I am not writing set scenes for the fifth chapter as such but rather jotting down some thoughts and ideas....mostly questions I am asking myself

Example (on smartphone, written halfway through a meeting with phone hidden in my lap because I was afraid I would lose the thought processes and I had broken my pencil):

"Wakes up in the mud with ALL around him? (ALL being the main characters that have been introduced so far, and hinting at their strengths and concerns for him)

Wakes up in his own bed?

Both? The first coming so the revelations can be seeded and the latter so security is felt by him?

BUT - he has to see the spirit of the boy, tethered to the light coming from the pool, a curtain of darkness behind his glowing figure (the darkness being a veil of time which divides the spirit from the current world)"

The Fourth Chapter mini-reveal is a taster but the fifth chapter could be the greatest challenge in how I show the central part of the mystery without giving away too much and still keep many secrets of the main group of characters and especially the protagonist to continue interesting the reader....

Highs and Lows and time outs....

So, for brevity's sake, I shall layout the occurrences over the last few months.

Writing for Children Course (Level Two) assessment reached the heady heights of 79% - my first A grade!

Now, while this will not count towards my final grade (it's been used to back-fill my credit requirements at level one, agreed with the OCA when they changed policy half way through the degree pathway) I was blown away with this 10% leap in my grade; (previously I had wavered around 68-69% for all courses).

For forty-eight hours I couldn't work on my current course, couldn't read or in fact concentrate on anything. I was shocked, pleased, elated and scared to death. The latter emotion being my fear that I couldn't repeat this performance on the current course. The assessment notes singled out for praise one story in particular, Tap, Tap, Tap! which is a tale of a girl and happenings on a beach. My aim was to pour magical realism into the works submitted and this was my most vivid piece.

The only criticism was my presentation and a "rare" slip (peak instead of peek) - this plunged a 20% section (my average being 17 out of 20 for each of the separate sections) to 13 out of 20. At the time of reading the assessment as a whole, of course, I glossed over this being inflated about such a high mark for a course I loved working on and having sunk everything I had energy-wise into it. I should also state that I had always wanted to do this course feeling that magical realism works well for me and allows me to let loose with my head and heart to tell a story.

Reeling from this, I brought my feet back down to earth with difficulty and worked on with my third assignment for my Project Course.

I took my eyes off the ball. When I sent the assignment into my Tutor I had not followed my usual habit of printing out the work and moving through it at least twice to pick up errors.

Quite rightly, when the assessment came back this was the element that was focused upon. The problem was that it "knocked me down" emotionally. Now, the comments made by my Tutor were wholly justified and entirely correct; the suggestions were aimed to "narrow the goalposts" and provoke me to lift my game higher. There is always that point in any course where, if you are working to your limits, you teeter on the edge of giving up - the "I can't do this" syndrome. Your flirt with it, it sits in the corner of the room whispering the justification of why you could walk away, stop or throw it all in.

This was the moment in my final course. I felt winded. After the "high" of the Writing for Children Course, I suddenly felt I should start again and the self-doubt washed over me; so much so that I felt instinctively I had to walk away from the Fade.

After nearly two weeks, coinciding with a stay-cation at home, I sent an email to my Tutor. I described being "knocked down" by the assessment and how I felt - in fact, I startled myself at how honest I was about how I felt; something I am not at ease with doing or comfortable with, even at this late stage of the pathway.

Typically, and as muted by my partner, I had taken the assessment too much to heart and the guidance was just that - guidance - not criticism. Nina was trying to make me focus on my shortcomings (presentation and silly punctuation errors) and bring me to the point where I shift gear and raise my game. She also empathized with my getting to grips with the longer piece.

This stepping away from it all can always feel like detaching yourself from your objective, but it isn't really. This is a marathon and there are always hills and flats to negotiate and when you take a breath it can set you up to push on harder with a strength you never knew you had.

I have assessed myself and set a timetable for the next chapter which is to be completely reviewed given Nina's advice. This may have saved the entire piece, as the fourth chapter may have reached a climax of sorts too premature to fit with the course (you always have to have the proximity of the assessment in your mind and to have the greatest impact you can on the reader).

In short, if I hadn't been knocked over, I may not have got up more determined to work on my shortcomings, dig in, look at the whole piece again with fresh eyes and try and knock the reader down with the story I really want to tell.

Feel the fear....

So there it is, pictured above. Ready for posting at my favorite post office (it has become a bit of a superstition with me that all the hard copies of my courses are sent from there).

This package represents thirteen months of work. I have checked it three times and that's just this morning - then I got my partner to check it again. The email copy has been sent and that was easier because I created an email some time ago ready for this day....still, when I got the acknowledgement email from the Open College I still said out loud that there was "no going back now!".

Silly really. After all, this is the penultimate course and I know I am not stopping...but the illusion of one more look at it, or maybe just one more day to think about it, put it off etc. is very attractive.

Once it is gone, posted, I try and forget it until the result is received.

The hardest course to let go will be the last one - to be completed early next year. I won't have another course to distract me. But then, hopefully, I shall be working on completing my novel, the first five chapters being the Advanced Writing Course itself. Funny how fast a year can go by when you have your head down working hard....

First Assignment Assessed

No matter how long I have been studying or writing on this path I cannot get rid of the fear of judgement or assessment as the Open College of the Arts calls it. It is THAT, on a child in the classroom feeling, judgement. Even when there are only two of you in the room - no classmates to pass the whispers while you are being rebuked or to taunt you in the playground between bells.

I try and shake the feeling, telling myself to grow up! But there is always that feeling when you open that email wondering if it's that smile of "yes, nailed it!" or "shake of the head in disappointment". I check the inbox every night after ten days....every night.

Then it comes back and what I see, apart from punctuation errors which are my raison d'être with every course on the first assignment, is that I should have been clearer and more confident. The passages where I have added a few lines, then, on considering them deeply, taken them out; then, after sleeping on it, put them back in, are blurring the focus of the narrative voice. Nina is right - of course, she is the Tutor, but I always try and justify and argue my point (if only in my head). 

I leave it few days and then work through the piece again. Picking through the punctuation is not always the funnest job in the world and there is one grey area where I defer to Nina's advice as to what she would do. I make the changes and then email the revised copy to my partner for a final reading. Every draft is read and the opinion collected from this binary being who reads unbelievably on all subjects, genres and to Masters Degree Level in science...being a scientist. 

The affirmation from Nina about the first chapter of FADE is so welcome. The pressure built up waiting for the assessment comes away like opening a window on a stifling evening; I can breathe again. But with my partners' comments - "Wow! I don't know what you've done but it rips along now!" I feel a warm glow. 

So I move onto the second chapter - already written but now armed with the details and advice from Nina - ripe for revision and focussing.

Then it occurs to me - what would I have done if Nina had said (as kindly as possible) "...it's pants Phil! Try again, take more time, think more!"?

What's funny is that before this journey, before the level one, level two and level three path, I would have probably just turned away and left it. But not now. It's hard work but worth it if you produce one piece of merit, one little story that makes someone shake with fear, titter with laughter or gasp and giggle. 

I think this could be the best thing I have ever done in my life - to learn to work hard, work harder than I have ever done, believe that I can do it and to be guided by a talented Writer and Tutor who shares time, ideas and advice.

Maybe I need the fear of judgement...the assessment...whether in the classroom as a child, or here in cyber-realm through email or, ultimately and hopefully, in paper if published. It could be the evil, but necessary, twin of the desire to write.

Not blocked, not fearful just hovering...alittle.

The first assignment is in. Redrafted three or more times, read aloud twice as many times and the additional bits about the protagonist and plot-line it was as complete as I could manage; indecision holding me back as usual.

I got to the point where I feared the plot...I didn't want to approach the halfway point for fear of losing the fire in my belly. But after submitting it and receiving an acknowledgement from Nina Milton I fell flat or rather drifted to an exhausted stop. Not in enthusiasm, not in focus but in physical and mental tiredness.

This has happened before -  a previous course causing me such nerves that I was physically ill after submitting for assessment - despite the correct assurances from the tutor that I had worked hard and this would be reflected. It was and I was very happy. It didn't stop me from being sick....

So this week I have cut myself some slack and only done some re-reading and a little editing on the second chapter.

The disheartening thing is I know that I should have continued writing -  in the sense that I should have written in one great burst of writing in a single pulse that forged through from chapter one to the final one in one concerted effort night after night until finished. But I can't. Not that I can't...the fear took over. It's hard to jump off a cliff the first time and although the advice is sound the balance of writing while holding down a full time job and conducting family life made it almost impossible. I know it's about discipline. But that doesn't help when you want the first assignment back before forging ahead - in short you NEED to know you are heading in the right direction, the content is interesting and the protagonist believable.

It's a desperate need for reassurance that you are not wasting your time....a comfort thing. A confidence thing.

Even now I am learning more about my process. Despite having the chance to write an extended piece I am fearful, needing that assurance at each stage; almost afraid to wander from the path. I could blame the process of assignment and assessment, and the fact that after the years studying I am conditioned to burst forth and then rest before moving on, having digested the feedback from the Tutor, but I doubt I could carry it off.

It's a balancing act between assignments, getting the actual book done and being on time for submission...I am still learning to juggle.

Excitement and fear...working on the first assignment and beyond

Two of the best pieces of advice were given to me by my Tutor - the better the preparation the better the act of writing and the discipline of writing every day, a set number of words, becomes natural and doesn't allow drift or apprehension.

So having applied these gems I am both excited and scared to death. The first two chapters of my extended piece of writing are written; not edited to any great length or polished - but they are there on the page and they don't meander in the way I feared. My protagonist is clearer in my mind and I can "see" his reactions, annoyances and frustrations with adults and the adult world he finds himself in. The landscape is opening up and the other characters seem to come more and more into focus the more I type.

What is scary is I have two chapters down! What is exciting is I HAVE TWO CHAPTERS DOWN ON THE PAGE!

I have bought Jane Riddell's - A Fiction Writer's Guide to Serious Editing - poised for when I have to bear down on it and grapple.

More than ever during my degree I feel like I am capable of creating a long piece of writing and I want to go the distance; not just for the degree and the course but for the book itself. I want to tell the story in my head, in my notebook and on the post-its stuck to my office wall. I even have a map for where the main event occurs!

It is amazing how advice from your Tutor, the constant, enthusiastic reply to any question, fear, observation, that you throw at her can act as both cliff to jump from, net to catch you when you are twisting in the air and bungee rope for the upswing excite scream.

This is allowing me to dare to dream....

First Assignment Work, Great Advice and the pleasure of discipline

So here I am. Somewhere I never thought I would be...ever. The final course for my BA in Creative Writing with the OCA. I have to believe that I am now at this point because it is a fact but I still have to pinch myself.

With each course I have the same emotions; a sense of fear of failing or not working hard enough and then there's the excitement of exploring the subject matter and discipline. This time, with this course, the excitement is magnified. I simply couldn't wait to negotiate my project with Nina Milton, my Tutor.

For this course my objective is to write and extended piece of writing towards a novel for Young Adults (YA) 10-14 years of age. This will be a natural progression from the Writing for Children Course that I've just been completed but awaits assessment (May 2014).

Nina set out what she expects for the first assignment -

• plot outline - in any format and as long as you chose.

• a protagonist character sketch; this often raises issues and clarifies your writing position

• some of the writing; 1st chapter preferably, but not essential. 

All this should not exceed 3,500 words 

+ 500 words Reflective Commentary as always.

My A4 notebook was full of post-its with names, questions, observations and descriptions and I began to make lists and then sketched out a map of where the main action will take place.

Then Nina put a post in her blog which is gold dust ( http://kitchentablewriters.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/writing-that-very-first-draft.html#comment-form ). I took the advice and applied it to the plotting. I turned over a few pages in my notebook and set myself an minimum of an hour plotting each night with at least three points per night. Headphones on and I began to write...or should that be plot?

It is wonderful when advice takes hold and works - after five days I am at point number thirty two and have begun to put together tracts of dialogue as it fits in with the plotting. I have never done so much plotting in such a short space of time - previous courses have been at most for short stories, so this project course is a foray into uncharted waters and a wonderful adventure.

This is an amazing opportunity to stretch into unknown territory, to really stretch and use the skills learned on each of the courses with the OCA and with the help of all the Tutors. Part of me wants to look back at how far I have come in the degree but the excitement won't let me - I just have to keep my head down, keep going and work hard towards my objective.

Advanced Writing 3 - Contemplation, Hesitation and the beginning of the Final Push...

The Christmas celebrations are over (in our household the decorations are down and packed away already) and the New Year is here. 

It is time to look back on 2013 and wonder and plan the next - so here I am. 

It's the usual regrets and sadness, having lost a friend last year and learned more about her after her passing than I did in the last few years of her life. The joy of an addition to our family with the arrival of Ryan my nephew and much more, including good health and continued love within and outside our family. Above all I feel getting through the last course was my overriding achievement - now I just have a few months before my submission for assessment.

So ahead I face some hefty (at least to us) redecoration projects in our small house and upheavals in our working lives...but above all I begin my final and most important course - Advanced Writing 3: Project.

The folder arrived and I was shocked at seeing how little was enclosed. This is the course that you have to "stand on your feet" with a longer, more sustained piece of writing. This is all done with the help and guidance of your Tutor and I am very lucky to have convinced both the OCA and my previous Tutor, Nina Milton, to continue working with me. 

After assembling the folder for submission for the Writing for Children Course and drawing a line under that course, I wanted to rest and re-charge the batteries. I decided to read and not actively write - or at least to contemplate any one direction for anything other than the project and then only to think about the latter furtively and keep it peripheral in my mind.


Trouble is that my brain and seemingly fate doesn't allow rest when there are ideas to be scooped up. I now have a small sheaf of notes, images, names and ideas gathering at the front of a notebook which has somehow become designated for the course. It seems that conversations, programmes on television (granted they are selected by me and so may be  sought out unconsciously) and random webpages seem to be conspiring to push a narrative onto me.

It is one month before the contract between me and Nina Milton will be negotiated but my imagination and what is falling in my path is not waiting. 

After putting into practice the discipline of plotting in the last course, I came across a webpage where Ray Bradbury advocates list making; I have always done this to plan a  birthdays, decorating or project plans. This now appeals as a precursor to the actual full on detailed plotting; so I am making this my first active writing foray, pre-course, of 2014. 

I am feeling the same as I have felt at the beginning of this course as I have for all the others - hesitation and a little fear. Despite all the experience and help, I still feel apprehension - but there is nothing to do but forge ahead on the final push!