First Assignment Assessed

No matter how long I have been studying or writing on this path I cannot get rid of the fear of judgement or assessment as the Open College of the Arts calls it. It is THAT, on a child in the classroom feeling, judgement. Even when there are only two of you in the room - no classmates to pass the whispers while you are being rebuked or to taunt you in the playground between bells.

I try and shake the feeling, telling myself to grow up! But there is always that feeling when you open that email wondering if it's that smile of "yes, nailed it!" or "shake of the head in disappointment". I check the inbox every night after ten days....every night.

Then it comes back and what I see, apart from punctuation errors which are my raison d'être with every course on the first assignment, is that I should have been clearer and more confident. The passages where I have added a few lines, then, on considering them deeply, taken them out; then, after sleeping on it, put them back in, are blurring the focus of the narrative voice. Nina is right - of course, she is the Tutor, but I always try and justify and argue my point (if only in my head). 

I leave it few days and then work through the piece again. Picking through the punctuation is not always the funnest job in the world and there is one grey area where I defer to Nina's advice as to what she would do. I make the changes and then email the revised copy to my partner for a final reading. Every draft is read and the opinion collected from this binary being who reads unbelievably on all subjects, genres and to Masters Degree Level in science...being a scientist. 

The affirmation from Nina about the first chapter of FADE is so welcome. The pressure built up waiting for the assessment comes away like opening a window on a stifling evening; I can breathe again. But with my partners' comments - "Wow! I don't know what you've done but it rips along now!" I feel a warm glow. 

So I move onto the second chapter - already written but now armed with the details and advice from Nina - ripe for revision and focussing.

Then it occurs to me - what would I have done if Nina had said (as kindly as possible) "...it's pants Phil! Try again, take more time, think more!"?

What's funny is that before this journey, before the level one, level two and level three path, I would have probably just turned away and left it. But not now. It's hard work but worth it if you produce one piece of merit, one little story that makes someone shake with fear, titter with laughter or gasp and giggle. 

I think this could be the best thing I have ever done in my life - to learn to work hard, work harder than I have ever done, believe that I can do it and to be guided by a talented Writer and Tutor who shares time, ideas and advice.

Maybe I need the fear of judgement...the assessment...whether in the classroom as a child, or here in cyber-realm through email or, ultimately and hopefully, in paper if published. It could be the evil, but necessary, twin of the desire to write.