The first assignment is in. Redrafted three or more times, read aloud twice as many times and the additional bits about the protagonist and plot-line it was as complete as I could manage; indecision holding me back as usual.
I got to the point where I feared the plot...I didn't want to approach the halfway point for fear of losing the fire in my belly. But after submitting it and receiving an acknowledgement from Nina Milton I fell flat or rather drifted to an exhausted stop. Not in enthusiasm, not in focus but in physical and mental tiredness.
This has happened before - a previous course causing me such nerves that I was physically ill after submitting for assessment - despite the correct assurances from the tutor that I had worked hard and this would be reflected. It was and I was very happy. It didn't stop me from being sick....
So this week I have cut myself some slack and only done some re-reading and a little editing on the second chapter.
The disheartening thing is I know that I should have continued writing - in the sense that I should have written in one great burst of writing in a single pulse that forged through from chapter one to the final one in one concerted effort night after night until finished. But I can't. Not that I can't...the fear took over. It's hard to jump off a cliff the first time and although the advice is sound the balance of writing while holding down a full time job and conducting family life made it almost impossible. I know it's about discipline. But that doesn't help when you want the first assignment back before forging ahead - in short you NEED to know you are heading in the right direction, the content is interesting and the protagonist believable.
It's a desperate need for reassurance that you are not wasting your time....a comfort thing. A confidence thing.
Even now I am learning more about my process. Despite having the chance to write an extended piece I am fearful, needing that assurance at each stage; almost afraid to wander from the path. I could blame the process of assignment and assessment, and the fact that after the years studying I am conditioned to burst forth and then rest before moving on, having digested the feedback from the Tutor, but I doubt I could carry it off.
It's a balancing act between assignments, getting the actual book done and being on time for submission...I am still learning to juggle.
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