First Assignment Assessed

No matter how long I have been studying or writing on this path I cannot get rid of the fear of judgement or assessment as the Open College of the Arts calls it. It is THAT, on a child in the classroom feeling, judgement. Even when there are only two of you in the room - no classmates to pass the whispers while you are being rebuked or to taunt you in the playground between bells.

I try and shake the feeling, telling myself to grow up! But there is always that feeling when you open that email wondering if it's that smile of "yes, nailed it!" or "shake of the head in disappointment". I check the inbox every night after ten days....every night.

Then it comes back and what I see, apart from punctuation errors which are my raison d'être with every course on the first assignment, is that I should have been clearer and more confident. The passages where I have added a few lines, then, on considering them deeply, taken them out; then, after sleeping on it, put them back in, are blurring the focus of the narrative voice. Nina is right - of course, she is the Tutor, but I always try and justify and argue my point (if only in my head). 

I leave it few days and then work through the piece again. Picking through the punctuation is not always the funnest job in the world and there is one grey area where I defer to Nina's advice as to what she would do. I make the changes and then email the revised copy to my partner for a final reading. Every draft is read and the opinion collected from this binary being who reads unbelievably on all subjects, genres and to Masters Degree Level in science...being a scientist. 

The affirmation from Nina about the first chapter of FADE is so welcome. The pressure built up waiting for the assessment comes away like opening a window on a stifling evening; I can breathe again. But with my partners' comments - "Wow! I don't know what you've done but it rips along now!" I feel a warm glow. 

So I move onto the second chapter - already written but now armed with the details and advice from Nina - ripe for revision and focussing.

Then it occurs to me - what would I have done if Nina had said (as kindly as possible) "...it's pants Phil! Try again, take more time, think more!"?

What's funny is that before this journey, before the level one, level two and level three path, I would have probably just turned away and left it. But not now. It's hard work but worth it if you produce one piece of merit, one little story that makes someone shake with fear, titter with laughter or gasp and giggle. 

I think this could be the best thing I have ever done in my life - to learn to work hard, work harder than I have ever done, believe that I can do it and to be guided by a talented Writer and Tutor who shares time, ideas and advice.

Maybe I need the fear of judgement...the assessment...whether in the classroom as a child, or here in cyber-realm through email or, ultimately and hopefully, in paper if published. It could be the evil, but necessary, twin of the desire to write.

Not blocked, not fearful just hovering...alittle.

The first assignment is in. Redrafted three or more times, read aloud twice as many times and the additional bits about the protagonist and plot-line it was as complete as I could manage; indecision holding me back as usual.

I got to the point where I feared the plot...I didn't want to approach the halfway point for fear of losing the fire in my belly. But after submitting it and receiving an acknowledgement from Nina Milton I fell flat or rather drifted to an exhausted stop. Not in enthusiasm, not in focus but in physical and mental tiredness.

This has happened before -  a previous course causing me such nerves that I was physically ill after submitting for assessment - despite the correct assurances from the tutor that I had worked hard and this would be reflected. It was and I was very happy. It didn't stop me from being sick....

So this week I have cut myself some slack and only done some re-reading and a little editing on the second chapter.

The disheartening thing is I know that I should have continued writing -  in the sense that I should have written in one great burst of writing in a single pulse that forged through from chapter one to the final one in one concerted effort night after night until finished. But I can't. Not that I can't...the fear took over. It's hard to jump off a cliff the first time and although the advice is sound the balance of writing while holding down a full time job and conducting family life made it almost impossible. I know it's about discipline. But that doesn't help when you want the first assignment back before forging ahead - in short you NEED to know you are heading in the right direction, the content is interesting and the protagonist believable.

It's a desperate need for reassurance that you are not wasting your time....a comfort thing. A confidence thing.

Even now I am learning more about my process. Despite having the chance to write an extended piece I am fearful, needing that assurance at each stage; almost afraid to wander from the path. I could blame the process of assignment and assessment, and the fact that after the years studying I am conditioned to burst forth and then rest before moving on, having digested the feedback from the Tutor, but I doubt I could carry it off.

It's a balancing act between assignments, getting the actual book done and being on time for submission...I am still learning to juggle.

Excitement and fear...working on the first assignment and beyond

Two of the best pieces of advice were given to me by my Tutor - the better the preparation the better the act of writing and the discipline of writing every day, a set number of words, becomes natural and doesn't allow drift or apprehension.

So having applied these gems I am both excited and scared to death. The first two chapters of my extended piece of writing are written; not edited to any great length or polished - but they are there on the page and they don't meander in the way I feared. My protagonist is clearer in my mind and I can "see" his reactions, annoyances and frustrations with adults and the adult world he finds himself in. The landscape is opening up and the other characters seem to come more and more into focus the more I type.

What is scary is I have two chapters down! What is exciting is I HAVE TWO CHAPTERS DOWN ON THE PAGE!

I have bought Jane Riddell's - A Fiction Writer's Guide to Serious Editing - poised for when I have to bear down on it and grapple.

More than ever during my degree I feel like I am capable of creating a long piece of writing and I want to go the distance; not just for the degree and the course but for the book itself. I want to tell the story in my head, in my notebook and on the post-its stuck to my office wall. I even have a map for where the main event occurs!

It is amazing how advice from your Tutor, the constant, enthusiastic reply to any question, fear, observation, that you throw at her can act as both cliff to jump from, net to catch you when you are twisting in the air and bungee rope for the upswing excite scream.

This is allowing me to dare to dream....

First Assignment Work, Great Advice and the pleasure of discipline

So here I am. Somewhere I never thought I would be...ever. The final course for my BA in Creative Writing with the OCA. I have to believe that I am now at this point because it is a fact but I still have to pinch myself.

With each course I have the same emotions; a sense of fear of failing or not working hard enough and then there's the excitement of exploring the subject matter and discipline. This time, with this course, the excitement is magnified. I simply couldn't wait to negotiate my project with Nina Milton, my Tutor.

For this course my objective is to write and extended piece of writing towards a novel for Young Adults (YA) 10-14 years of age. This will be a natural progression from the Writing for Children Course that I've just been completed but awaits assessment (May 2014).

Nina set out what she expects for the first assignment -

• plot outline - in any format and as long as you chose.

• a protagonist character sketch; this often raises issues and clarifies your writing position

• some of the writing; 1st chapter preferably, but not essential. 

All this should not exceed 3,500 words 

+ 500 words Reflective Commentary as always.

My A4 notebook was full of post-its with names, questions, observations and descriptions and I began to make lists and then sketched out a map of where the main action will take place.

Then Nina put a post in her blog which is gold dust ( http://kitchentablewriters.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/writing-that-very-first-draft.html#comment-form ). I took the advice and applied it to the plotting. I turned over a few pages in my notebook and set myself an minimum of an hour plotting each night with at least three points per night. Headphones on and I began to write...or should that be plot?

It is wonderful when advice takes hold and works - after five days I am at point number thirty two and have begun to put together tracts of dialogue as it fits in with the plotting. I have never done so much plotting in such a short space of time - previous courses have been at most for short stories, so this project course is a foray into uncharted waters and a wonderful adventure.

This is an amazing opportunity to stretch into unknown territory, to really stretch and use the skills learned on each of the courses with the OCA and with the help of all the Tutors. Part of me wants to look back at how far I have come in the degree but the excitement won't let me - I just have to keep my head down, keep going and work hard towards my objective.

Advanced Writing 3 - Contemplation, Hesitation and the beginning of the Final Push...

The Christmas celebrations are over (in our household the decorations are down and packed away already) and the New Year is here. 

It is time to look back on 2013 and wonder and plan the next - so here I am. 

It's the usual regrets and sadness, having lost a friend last year and learned more about her after her passing than I did in the last few years of her life. The joy of an addition to our family with the arrival of Ryan my nephew and much more, including good health and continued love within and outside our family. Above all I feel getting through the last course was my overriding achievement - now I just have a few months before my submission for assessment.

So ahead I face some hefty (at least to us) redecoration projects in our small house and upheavals in our working lives...but above all I begin my final and most important course - Advanced Writing 3: Project.

The folder arrived and I was shocked at seeing how little was enclosed. This is the course that you have to "stand on your feet" with a longer, more sustained piece of writing. This is all done with the help and guidance of your Tutor and I am very lucky to have convinced both the OCA and my previous Tutor, Nina Milton, to continue working with me. 

After assembling the folder for submission for the Writing for Children Course and drawing a line under that course, I wanted to rest and re-charge the batteries. I decided to read and not actively write - or at least to contemplate any one direction for anything other than the project and then only to think about the latter furtively and keep it peripheral in my mind.


Trouble is that my brain and seemingly fate doesn't allow rest when there are ideas to be scooped up. I now have a small sheaf of notes, images, names and ideas gathering at the front of a notebook which has somehow become designated for the course. It seems that conversations, programmes on television (granted they are selected by me and so may be  sought out unconsciously) and random webpages seem to be conspiring to push a narrative onto me.

It is one month before the contract between me and Nina Milton will be negotiated but my imagination and what is falling in my path is not waiting. 

After putting into practice the discipline of plotting in the last course, I came across a webpage where Ray Bradbury advocates list making; I have always done this to plan a  birthdays, decorating or project plans. This now appeals as a precursor to the actual full on detailed plotting; so I am making this my first active writing foray, pre-course, of 2014. 

I am feeling the same as I have felt at the beginning of this course as I have for all the others - hesitation and a little fear. Despite all the experience and help, I still feel apprehension - but there is nothing to do but forge ahead on the final push!

Sixth Assignment

Okay so I am here - just over a year has passed since I opened the coursebook.

The Fifth Assignment is back with the good advice, observations and recommendations from Nina Milton and has been put aside to work on later.

I started the Creative Reading Commentary and decided to write only about Skellig by David Almond. It was the book that stopped me from giving up, made me think I could write a little and that I really wanted to explore writing for children. I think it's a wonderful book, full of the mundane family life, the danger of death hanging over a new born child and the finding of a man-angel-bird collapsed and wasting away in a derelict garage. The magical realism gripped me from the very first page - a real hook into any reader.

The struggle with this part of the assignment was breaking down my assignments and relating them back to Skellig. My objective was to echo the magical realism without making it appear like copying. I think I have achieved this by keeping the idea of it in the back of my mind while working through each exercise and assignment. The first draft is written and now has been put aside; it's sitting brooding on my desk and as always at this stage I wonder if it's anywhere good enough.

Two nights ago I started the Reflective Course Commentary. This I approached in a similar way - breaking each experience into the sixth assignments, detailing how each part of the course affected me, stretched me and looking through this blog and my notes to see the repeated observations and notes.

It comes down to one thing. Aside from the ideas (of which there are many, mostly half written on post-its in my note books) the recurring point is the plotting - being told by Nina Milton in a non judgmental way that I am a characterphile and therefore I need to concentrate on plotting as this was my weakness (my words) and would focus my mind and process.

I feel I have achieved what I set out to do - I have stretched again but more than this I feel empowered to think about writing a longer piece of writing for YA. The plotting has allowed me to focus and build the confidence to write and dream.

So now I wait, just a few days, allowing the two essays to languish and drift. When I am ready I will look over them again with fresh eyes and then re-draft them both.

A year has gone so quickly. I have learned to strengthen more of my muscles. Gained more weapons in the pursuit of the discipline of the writing habit.

Fifth Assignment - Awesome

The Fifth Chapter of the Writing for Children Course was about fantasy worlds, examining the ordinary and making it extraordinary and menace; or creating a tangible sense of dread.

One exercise was about collecting and creating names - I have always collected names and working with legal documents of some age and quality of quirkiness I have always been gifted with some of the most outrageous names. I have notebooks full of names, half names, some with question marks showing that I appreciated them but wasn't quite sure what I could use them for, while others have definite comments; like "village idiot", "dangerous man" etc).

The others exercises were about examining an ordinary object say a chair and creating an extraordinary story/happening with that object and creating dread/menace.

The fifth assignment is split into two - 1,500 words each and to be targeted at separate age groups. The latter didn't bother me. I targeted the first story, The Sycamore Chair at girls 7+ and the second, Keeper at boys 10+.

Gathering ideas was easy for the first - mainly from an exercise in the chapter and a property programme with a quirky cottage which fitted the setting I wanted to create. The details flowed into my mind as my character, May, explored. My tutor uses the term Characterphile (meaning that your imagination or writing is driven mainly by the character in your head rather than the plotting) and I love it. Once someone tells you where you lean, where the strengths are, you can look to your weaknesses and adjust to compensate. I need and will always need to plot - once I do this - thinking through each step of the story - my character seems to have more concentration on the adventure - I faff less.

Gathering for the second story was more difficult and the thoughts of menace kept bringing to mind a local legend about full moons and barrows and the sound of dancing faeries. This story took more time. Worse than that, after the first draft I felt that the character of the title, Keeper, wasn't complete; he didn't feel real to me or I wasn't being given enough room to create his back story. I stalled. I didn't want to work on it; so I returned to the first story and worked hard on that.

Sometimes the hardest decision I have is recognizing when to ask for help. This was one of those times and I took my resistance almost all the way to my deadline. Once the reply was received from Nina Milton, my Tutor, a huge weight was lifted. Her advice was to treat the second story as a "first chapter".

THAT was it! Suddenly I could see how the Reverend Clement who constantly goes around his church looking for a way into the realm in which Keeper is a prisoner, is a victim of madness; how all the Vicars for this parish end up being slightly odd due to the sounds of the partying and mischievous faeries and the fact that Keeper was former incumbent's "house boggart". Since he went missing each of the vicars has thought the house was missing something, not really understanding what, and they become increasingly odd in the way they act.

How Keeper got there, why he helps Alan escape after falling into the barrow and why he will never be allowed to leave came in a flash - all because I could tell that later - this was a first chapter.

I worked on a third and fourth draft and thought it was time for my partner to read it.

The response I got shocked me. Very positive - so much so that the character of Keeper was vivid, sympathetic and endearing. I didn't know what to say - literally stunned to silence. My response was "Really!?"

Of course I worked on the stories again and worked through them with the reader always in mind - enjoying the reading out phase again which always highlights fuzziness.

This has been rewarding, but I think Nina Milton and her advice regarding "treating it as first chapter" was awesome to my process. It freed me up to relax and not try and tell the entire story, landscape etc in one go. More than that it put into my head that there was a second, third and fourth chapter just waiting and that plotting was the key to achieving this.

Awesome!