Audience...

Fifth Assignment completed and assessed (in record time) by Nina Milton, my Tutor. Spent a few evenings re-writing with her suggestions in mind and then saved ready for assessment. Now I am working on the essay and the final course commentary, to be finished by the end of February.

So last week I put the final piece of my course plan into action. I created a single document, split into chapters the same as the assignments, without all the paraphernalia of the requirements of the OCA (headers with Assignment identifiers and student number etc). I thought a more normalized view would make my target volunteer feel more comfortable.

Yes! I was about to turn over the first five chapters of FADE to my colleagues eleven year old son. I was fine, in principle - in a detached way. I printed it off, placed a front sheet - blank, of course, so that other colleagues would not see what I was handing over - and waited for her to come in. Being a busy single parent she arrived at her usual time, flustered and in a flurry that only arriving almost late to work after being up for hours trying to organize and entire household can produce. The usual "good mornings" exchanged between work mates and I sat there silent. She noticed. She smiled. I smiled, my tongue cleaved to the top of my mouth and I got up and walked to the coffee point to get a glass of water.

I returned. I waited. The office settled and there was a general "getting on with things" atmosphere. I got up and stood at my colleagues side and slid the 14,000 plus words onto her desk. She stared and then looked up with a grin. I instantly wanted to run and hide.It was then that she dropped the bombshell that not only would her son be reading it but so would her older daughter - "well it's coming into our house" her brilliant justification, which made me smile - and she ("of course") would read it with them.

Now I REALLY wanted to run and hide.

"That's okay isn't it?"

Not really an open question, I thought and a little unfair having been thoroughly ambushed. I shrugged and said "Yeah" as casually as I could. I sat down - panic flooding through every corpuscle and nerve ending.

I drank the glass of water.

This was good. An almost twelve year old (target audience), a fifteen year old and a work colleague of forty would be reading it; "more the merrier", surely? Yes, of course - get on with your work.

What if "he" hates it?
What if it bores him?
What if they all hate it?
This felt like the nerves I had going in for my abdominal surgery five years ago.

I realized that I had not put any questions for him to answer on the blank front page; I asked for the piece back. Reluctantly, it was placed on my desk and I stared at it, suddenly I was unable to think of three perfectly leveled questions that would give me perfect feedback.I picked up my pen and wrote "Comments?"

Then I handed it back.

The following day my colleague rushed in beaming. The usual good mornings and I tried not to look at her, her desk, anything around her; in fact I was accused of staring at my own computer screen and looking furious about something. I was embarrassed and scared.

Then she leaned over, still grinning.

"He's hooked! He had to be forced to stop reading it last night and go to bed. Well, we both stopped at the same place, end of chapter two," she said. She was beaming again, she leaned forward and added "You HAVE to publish it!"

I laughed - quite a bit more loudly than I envisaged - then I replied "I have to finish writing it first."

It's been five days so far. Five days of thinking about them reading it, wondering, wishing and being generally scared to death that I have made a mistake.

I thought this was a good idea. It is. What I hadn't bargained on was the feeling of being exposed. I feel completely at their mercy - an eleven year old, fifteen year old and a forty year old could crush and devastate me.

Am I proud of FADE? Yes, what there is of it. Do I want to finish it? God, yes. Did I think this would be easy. No! But I thought the easy bit would be handing it over (to the target audience) and getting feedback.

Another learning point - scary or not.

Whisperings changing to "Get on with it!"

Usually I am racing for the end of a course. Usually there is a whispering in my head "on to the next, on to the next!". This time, however I am stalling and not for the usual reasons of life's distractions, fatigue or a drying up of momentum. I am simply at the end of the course, the final course, in my path and, although this is what I have been working towards - the completion of a degree in something I love doing - I am a little sad...and scared.

A friend told me recently when I said I was about to submit my penultimate assignment of my final course "Wow! It seems only yesterday that you were starting it!" But it wasn't yesterday...it was a while ago when I was talked into writing a letter to the OCA asking for details and clarification and wondering about doing "just one course, just to see whether I can do it...if it's for me" and secretly being scared to death and wishing for just one chance to have a go!

So I stalled. I had written all four chapters of the assignments in one go and then stopped - thinking that to leave the fifth chapter, the fifth assignment, open would be allowing me to be flexible with how I wanted the narrative to end (as far as the course is concerned). But now I wonder if that was actually true, I think I may have been a bit scared about the end of the creative element....the final creative part of the long path -seven courses!

I gave myself a talking to and decided to do exactly what I intended - so, I sat down and began being flexible with the writing of the fifth chapter. I plunged into the post fourth chapter, the main character is waking in the mud of a water meadow having been apparently hit by lightning (along with his friend) and is surrounded by people who are helping him (in their way) and one other.....not a friend.

I was there! Back where I wanted to be, running around in my own little world, seeing it, feeling it and, god(s) help me, smelling it! (I knew that rancid bog on the edge of that wood, waterlogged and fetid all year round, would come in handy one day -  I can still smell my socks after getting my boot stuck and stepping out unintentionally).

The first part splashed onto the page and I could see it all....

...the next part was tricky but again I walked around picking out what to show and how to phrase it and then I read out the first draft to my partner. It caused frowns and polite coughing as I corrected and re-wrote while I was reading and half way through I realized that I was stalling in finishing the chapter. It wasn't ready to read out....so I waited and thought about how I needed to be brave and push on.

I knew there was an idea coming, a way of getting some very important information into the story without an information dump and the worst of it was that this information is a red herring of the mystery and I was fearful about getting it wrong. I stopped reading the chapter and walked away for a few days.

When I returned, it flowed and in one sitting I allowed the characters to lead me to the place where they would learn an important fact and allow another character to think out loud on the page....reasoning out a clue which will pitch him into madness and make him a danger.

I sat back and actually said out loud (post midnight and only to myself and my screen) "Yes!"

Over the next weeks I rewrote and edited and corrected. I am at that before-Tutor-assessment-happy stage where I know I am too close and to invested in what I have written to see it in an utterly objective way but not feeling so precious about it that any suggestions made by my Tutor will have me spitting fire. A good place in the path.

My wall is covered in post-it notes of snatched conversations between characters, names that will/could be important and plot tweaks that will reveal themselves and yet I still worry that despite all this (serial killer type) wall, the maps of the area and the notes of the main characters (who/what and how they are) I might lose them; that they will escape me somehow while I am finishing the degrees non-creative requirements and vanish to someone else.

I know this is silly because they are in my head but that nagging voice is there again, only it's changing it's tune a little; now it's saying "get on with it, get on with it!"

Preciousness, a final risk and plotting on the edge....

The Fourth Assignment is in. One more chapter of the extended piece to do and in my mind this should be the flowering of the course, the big bang of a firework display.

Following being knocked over by the last assessment I radically re-wrote the fourth chapter. What I thought I would do, now felt like an enormous "information dump". So I discarded half the chapter I had written - well being the way I am I cut it and secreted it away in another document "just in case".

The first half of the chapter is about the main character doing something "out of character" and being caught; this then escalates into a changing of his behavior, a departure. I want to stretch him from being a compliant "boy" into a young man or tetchy-teenager. I want to give him the justification in his own mind for demanding answers...about himself, his history, his place (being the strange environment in which he finds himself) and above all to show his frustration. In the first half he is caught, shamed, confronts and then dismisses the adults continued aloof reaction to his demands.

The narrative from here has been sculpted to fit the third assessment; it predominantly includes the secondary character and interaction between the protagonist and his new friend. This was the main comment about the characters - my Tutor, Nina Milton, wanted more about the character and interaction of Luan. With this in mind I naturally brought in the main theme that is linked with the character and his world which is he is being bullied. This he reveals to the protagonist Adam who, because of his sheltered and controlled upbringing is shocked. In this atmosphere of sharing confidences they return to the magical landscape and while there experience a shocking shared happening....

I needed for there to be a bang to the end of this chapter. It felt like this scene was building up in the storyline and I am hoping that when I get the assignment back my Tutor, Nina Milton, will agree with the timing. "Somethings got to give" is how it felt and I needed to let loose a little (not completely, still holding onto the secrets really quite tightly).

I returned to my process of printing out the chapter and working on it with pen - rather than on the screen where I seem to miss inappropriate punctuation. This felt so good, like returning to a favored place to walk. It allows me to switch activities and concentrate on presentation with, I hope, more effective control.

This third level course has shown me that I am departing from my previous "precious" behavior; in that before I would have fought tooth and nail not to change the plotting or sequence of how I first splurged the story on the page. But now, this seems to have dropped away. I can cut a scene out because it wouldn't happen that way or it can be moved to later in the story.

This is quite a revelation for someone who once, in a previous course, re-wrote a short story thirteen times without changing a single part of the plotting....I may have to revisit that piece and see what occurs now.

My final chapter for the piece is yet to be plotted and is my greatest risk. I KNOW what I want to happen, a small reveal (small in the sense that we get to hear some secrets while more clues are dropped in) but then I also want to wait and find out the reaction to the fourth assignment (and the inevitable re-write that I will undertake before moving on).

So - now I am "plotting on the edge". I am not writing set scenes for the fifth chapter as such but rather jotting down some thoughts and ideas....mostly questions I am asking myself

Example (on smartphone, written halfway through a meeting with phone hidden in my lap because I was afraid I would lose the thought processes and I had broken my pencil):

"Wakes up in the mud with ALL around him? (ALL being the main characters that have been introduced so far, and hinting at their strengths and concerns for him)

Wakes up in his own bed?

Both? The first coming so the revelations can be seeded and the latter so security is felt by him?

BUT - he has to see the spirit of the boy, tethered to the light coming from the pool, a curtain of darkness behind his glowing figure (the darkness being a veil of time which divides the spirit from the current world)"

The Fourth Chapter mini-reveal is a taster but the fifth chapter could be the greatest challenge in how I show the central part of the mystery without giving away too much and still keep many secrets of the main group of characters and especially the protagonist to continue interesting the reader....

Highs and Lows and time outs....

So, for brevity's sake, I shall layout the occurrences over the last few months.

Writing for Children Course (Level Two) assessment reached the heady heights of 79% - my first A grade!

Now, while this will not count towards my final grade (it's been used to back-fill my credit requirements at level one, agreed with the OCA when they changed policy half way through the degree pathway) I was blown away with this 10% leap in my grade; (previously I had wavered around 68-69% for all courses).

For forty-eight hours I couldn't work on my current course, couldn't read or in fact concentrate on anything. I was shocked, pleased, elated and scared to death. The latter emotion being my fear that I couldn't repeat this performance on the current course. The assessment notes singled out for praise one story in particular, Tap, Tap, Tap! which is a tale of a girl and happenings on a beach. My aim was to pour magical realism into the works submitted and this was my most vivid piece.

The only criticism was my presentation and a "rare" slip (peak instead of peek) - this plunged a 20% section (my average being 17 out of 20 for each of the separate sections) to 13 out of 20. At the time of reading the assessment as a whole, of course, I glossed over this being inflated about such a high mark for a course I loved working on and having sunk everything I had energy-wise into it. I should also state that I had always wanted to do this course feeling that magical realism works well for me and allows me to let loose with my head and heart to tell a story.

Reeling from this, I brought my feet back down to earth with difficulty and worked on with my third assignment for my Project Course.

I took my eyes off the ball. When I sent the assignment into my Tutor I had not followed my usual habit of printing out the work and moving through it at least twice to pick up errors.

Quite rightly, when the assessment came back this was the element that was focused upon. The problem was that it "knocked me down" emotionally. Now, the comments made by my Tutor were wholly justified and entirely correct; the suggestions were aimed to "narrow the goalposts" and provoke me to lift my game higher. There is always that point in any course where, if you are working to your limits, you teeter on the edge of giving up - the "I can't do this" syndrome. Your flirt with it, it sits in the corner of the room whispering the justification of why you could walk away, stop or throw it all in.

This was the moment in my final course. I felt winded. After the "high" of the Writing for Children Course, I suddenly felt I should start again and the self-doubt washed over me; so much so that I felt instinctively I had to walk away from the Fade.

After nearly two weeks, coinciding with a stay-cation at home, I sent an email to my Tutor. I described being "knocked down" by the assessment and how I felt - in fact, I startled myself at how honest I was about how I felt; something I am not at ease with doing or comfortable with, even at this late stage of the pathway.

Typically, and as muted by my partner, I had taken the assessment too much to heart and the guidance was just that - guidance - not criticism. Nina was trying to make me focus on my shortcomings (presentation and silly punctuation errors) and bring me to the point where I shift gear and raise my game. She also empathized with my getting to grips with the longer piece.

This stepping away from it all can always feel like detaching yourself from your objective, but it isn't really. This is a marathon and there are always hills and flats to negotiate and when you take a breath it can set you up to push on harder with a strength you never knew you had.

I have assessed myself and set a timetable for the next chapter which is to be completely reviewed given Nina's advice. This may have saved the entire piece, as the fourth chapter may have reached a climax of sorts too premature to fit with the course (you always have to have the proximity of the assessment in your mind and to have the greatest impact you can on the reader).

In short, if I hadn't been knocked over, I may not have got up more determined to work on my shortcomings, dig in, look at the whole piece again with fresh eyes and try and knock the reader down with the story I really want to tell.

Feel the fear....

So there it is, pictured above. Ready for posting at my favorite post office (it has become a bit of a superstition with me that all the hard copies of my courses are sent from there).

This package represents thirteen months of work. I have checked it three times and that's just this morning - then I got my partner to check it again. The email copy has been sent and that was easier because I created an email some time ago ready for this day....still, when I got the acknowledgement email from the Open College I still said out loud that there was "no going back now!".

Silly really. After all, this is the penultimate course and I know I am not stopping...but the illusion of one more look at it, or maybe just one more day to think about it, put it off etc. is very attractive.

Once it is gone, posted, I try and forget it until the result is received.

The hardest course to let go will be the last one - to be completed early next year. I won't have another course to distract me. But then, hopefully, I shall be working on completing my novel, the first five chapters being the Advanced Writing Course itself. Funny how fast a year can go by when you have your head down working hard....

First Assignment Assessed

No matter how long I have been studying or writing on this path I cannot get rid of the fear of judgement or assessment as the Open College of the Arts calls it. It is THAT, on a child in the classroom feeling, judgement. Even when there are only two of you in the room - no classmates to pass the whispers while you are being rebuked or to taunt you in the playground between bells.

I try and shake the feeling, telling myself to grow up! But there is always that feeling when you open that email wondering if it's that smile of "yes, nailed it!" or "shake of the head in disappointment". I check the inbox every night after ten days....every night.

Then it comes back and what I see, apart from punctuation errors which are my raison d'être with every course on the first assignment, is that I should have been clearer and more confident. The passages where I have added a few lines, then, on considering them deeply, taken them out; then, after sleeping on it, put them back in, are blurring the focus of the narrative voice. Nina is right - of course, she is the Tutor, but I always try and justify and argue my point (if only in my head). 

I leave it few days and then work through the piece again. Picking through the punctuation is not always the funnest job in the world and there is one grey area where I defer to Nina's advice as to what she would do. I make the changes and then email the revised copy to my partner for a final reading. Every draft is read and the opinion collected from this binary being who reads unbelievably on all subjects, genres and to Masters Degree Level in science...being a scientist. 

The affirmation from Nina about the first chapter of FADE is so welcome. The pressure built up waiting for the assessment comes away like opening a window on a stifling evening; I can breathe again. But with my partners' comments - "Wow! I don't know what you've done but it rips along now!" I feel a warm glow. 

So I move onto the second chapter - already written but now armed with the details and advice from Nina - ripe for revision and focussing.

Then it occurs to me - what would I have done if Nina had said (as kindly as possible) "...it's pants Phil! Try again, take more time, think more!"?

What's funny is that before this journey, before the level one, level two and level three path, I would have probably just turned away and left it. But not now. It's hard work but worth it if you produce one piece of merit, one little story that makes someone shake with fear, titter with laughter or gasp and giggle. 

I think this could be the best thing I have ever done in my life - to learn to work hard, work harder than I have ever done, believe that I can do it and to be guided by a talented Writer and Tutor who shares time, ideas and advice.

Maybe I need the fear of judgement...the assessment...whether in the classroom as a child, or here in cyber-realm through email or, ultimately and hopefully, in paper if published. It could be the evil, but necessary, twin of the desire to write.

Not blocked, not fearful just hovering...alittle.

The first assignment is in. Redrafted three or more times, read aloud twice as many times and the additional bits about the protagonist and plot-line it was as complete as I could manage; indecision holding me back as usual.

I got to the point where I feared the plot...I didn't want to approach the halfway point for fear of losing the fire in my belly. But after submitting it and receiving an acknowledgement from Nina Milton I fell flat or rather drifted to an exhausted stop. Not in enthusiasm, not in focus but in physical and mental tiredness.

This has happened before -  a previous course causing me such nerves that I was physically ill after submitting for assessment - despite the correct assurances from the tutor that I had worked hard and this would be reflected. It was and I was very happy. It didn't stop me from being sick....

So this week I have cut myself some slack and only done some re-reading and a little editing on the second chapter.

The disheartening thing is I know that I should have continued writing -  in the sense that I should have written in one great burst of writing in a single pulse that forged through from chapter one to the final one in one concerted effort night after night until finished. But I can't. Not that I can't...the fear took over. It's hard to jump off a cliff the first time and although the advice is sound the balance of writing while holding down a full time job and conducting family life made it almost impossible. I know it's about discipline. But that doesn't help when you want the first assignment back before forging ahead - in short you NEED to know you are heading in the right direction, the content is interesting and the protagonist believable.

It's a desperate need for reassurance that you are not wasting your time....a comfort thing. A confidence thing.

Even now I am learning more about my process. Despite having the chance to write an extended piece I am fearful, needing that assurance at each stage; almost afraid to wander from the path. I could blame the process of assignment and assessment, and the fact that after the years studying I am conditioned to burst forth and then rest before moving on, having digested the feedback from the Tutor, but I doubt I could carry it off.

It's a balancing act between assignments, getting the actual book done and being on time for submission...I am still learning to juggle.